jessewills

Welcome to my breakdown…

Here we go, Lord…

Today has been better than yesterday and yesterday than the day before.  I am getting out of that funk.  Slowly.  I just got to the point where I had to say, “I can’t handle this.  I am going to cross over to the dark side if I keep trying to fix things and control the situation and my state of mind.  Lord, take over, can’t do it”.  Got up, stared at my feet and said, “Here we go, Lord”.  And slowly I have been able to smile and laugh.  I know that I am not out of the woods yet, but I am where I am and I am not going to try to force myself to feel better than I do.  That will come on its own.  I am such a control freak and learning to go with the flow is so hard for me.  I was thinking when was the first time I felt like this.  And honestly I think the first time I felt that blackness inside was 4th grade or so.  I look at pictures of my relatives from 100 years ago and I look into their eyes and wonder which one of them suffered as I do.  I get to have a breakdown and drag ass a little until I can function.  Those poor souls had to feel as I do without the luxury of breaking down.  Come depression or not they had to get themselves out of bed and work the farm for 13 hours straight unter the pounding sun light and opressive heat just to put food on their table.  Thank you God for letting me have this breakdown now…

Is that the sun I see?

Ah, man, I think I see the light…kinda.  I am no where near being out of this tunnel, but closer to the exit.  I don’t know if you’ve ever gone climbing in caves like in Carlsbad Caverns.  When I was a kid my dad took me.  It was a “Dark” tour.  No lights on a path with just a little flashlight.  I remember we went in so far I felt like I was going to freak.  I freakin’ hiked like a pro on the way out.  Slip here, no problem.  Wipe out there, shake it off keep going.  Even though it was just to get the hell out of there, I scaled like a gecko on crack.  And even though I was not out of the cave, I would feel better with every step ’cause at least I was making some progress.  That is how I feel today  Not out of it yet by any means, but I am making progress and I can form thoughts and plans.  I can look outside and see the sun and not the car leaking exhaust.  I can think of work and not hyperventilate.  Thank God for little milestones.

Meltdown, Day 2

     I can imagine some people wondering what a breakdown feels like…it feels like when you were a kid and something horribly embarassing or awful happened…you know that 30 second-1 minute interval of time that occurs right after the event.  When time slows, your breath is knocked out of you, you feel completely alone and out of place…Luckily as kid you recover after a few minutes and life goes on.

     Not the case when you are in the middle of a nervous crisis…it just makes itself welcome and unpacks it bags and stays for a long visit.  How are you supposed to pay the mortgage, interact with your kids, make dinner (much less love) for your spouse?  It seems like a cruel reality of life that no one dared mention to you when you were young.  Why would they mention it even if they had it happen to them?  Oh, that is something to look forward to.  It is not like I would have cared anyway, I was in that ignorant bliss called youth.  You know that state of “They know nothing!  They think they know it all, but they know squat.”  Oh, to be so stupid. 

     Well, I opened my eyes today to the stark reality that I am going to have to cope with this…it is not going away on its own.  It feels like you get punched in the stomach the second after waking up…at least I can sleep.  It is bad, but what can you do?  Can you crawl in the corner and die?  Of course not, you gotta keep on keepin’ on, right?  I mean people depend on me…maybe that is what is so overwhelming, feeling like you got 199 tons on your shoulders.  No, not that.  It is I think the realization that life can change at the drop of a dime…good or bad.  Of course the good I hope for and would be more than happy to welcome it.  But the realization that things happen that we sometimes don’t want to.  When you’re a kid you feel safe, after all someone will take care of you, someone will care.  But now?  Who is gonna take care of me if I can’t?  Who is going to provide for those that depend on me for shelter and food?  Oh, God, can I take see any of them suffer?  I would rather do the crawl in the corner and die thing.  Everyday we are bombarded with more crap to be weary of…new bugs, new financial woes, new disease.  Ugh.  Information overload.  I seriously believe that I am a prime candidate to be an agoraphobic…oh no but what if there is Radon gas in here?  What if…what if…what if…I can’t seem to find a solution without another problem or danger in the way…this is how I know I am sick.  I can usually say, “Man, that is scary.  So what are we doing on the weekend?”  I mean these things usually cause me to slow down, but not come to a screeching halt.  Maybe tomorrow I can take off the emergency brake a bit and coast…

Putting it out there…

I have always had this on-going internal conversation through out life.  Maybe it is a coping mechanism, maybe I’m mad.  In one of these conversations I wondered my response to the question “What is your prized possesion? ”  My anonymity.  I still have it, but felt the need to share some stages in life.  There are times in this life when people are literally on the verge.  I am on that verge.  Is it into oblivion?  Madness?  Who knows.  But in lieu of therapy, I have created a blog.  Sick, I tell you, sick.  In reading some information on how to start a blog, the advice was to write about something you know and enjoy since you will be writing about.  I actually love deeply and have fascinating interest and would talk about someone in particular for hours on end, but not now.  I will talk about another constant companion…mental struggle.  I am not some crazed lunatic crouched in a corner of room typing away in a fury.  I am actually a family oriented person who would be considered very successful in life.  I have a job that requires exceptional interpersonal skills and the art of the schmooze.  In later posts I may talk about a hobby or something I see or do.  I hope I just speak about realities in my life.  Right now my reality is that I am struggling.  I am struggling to keep it together.  I don’t hear voices, I don’t think people are after me, but I am ill.  Hopefully in the near future I can come back and read this to gain some insight into where I go in these moments.  How else do I contrast/compare?  Do I ask someone to take my picture so I can look at it later and say, “Oh that’s what I look like in the middle of a breakdown!”   It ain’t the first time and probably ain’t the last so I would probably fill a photo album before long.   Why did this one start?   What made it begin?  Why is it that I am sitting here on this particular night at 11:14pm typing this…welcome to my breakdown…